Grub to the Head
by The Nerdinator
Summary: Andrew Hussie has died, and his last will and testament is being read. In retrospect, having the Mother Grub read it was a bad idea.


It had been a long, complicated, and terrifying time, but Sburb had finally been won, and Lord English was trapped in the canon forever, never able to escape his doom. The survivors had figured out how to resurrect their lost friends, even, but not all was happy. The players were gathered as the new Mother Grub stood to address them. A coffin sat nearby.

"I can't believe the author's really gone," Jade said sadly.

"With all the [f word]ing [s word] he put us through, I don't think I'll miss him that much," Karkat grumbled.

"I don't normally condone condemning the dead, but here I must agree," Equius replied. "What did he honestly _expect_ was going to happen when he created an indestructible demon?"

"All of you, silence!" the Mother Grub snapped. They did. "I have gathered you today to read the last will and testament of Andrew Hussie. All of you will be getting something from his. First in line, John Egbert."

"Oh boy!" John exclaimed.

The MG read the will. "John, your antics introduced this crazy comic to the world and helped it grow. You have been an integral participant in its beginning, and in its ending. I will never forget what you've done. So you will get..."

"Please be a Nick Cage movie, please be a Nick Cage movie!"

"A grub to the head."

"What?" John asked, before the Mother Grub beaned him in the face with a ceruleanblood grub. His horns embedded themselves in his forehead. "OW!" John pulled the grub out, his forehead bleeding a little. "What the heck was THAT for?!"

"Because we need to bring back the trolls and you're the only lusii this universe has available," the MG explained.

"I sense a ridiculous running gag is upon us," Rose muttered to Kanaya, who nodded.

"Speaking of, Rose and Kanaya are next. Rose, you doomed not one, but _two_ universes when you decided to listen to Doc Scratch. That alone is pretty inexcusable. Kanaya, you went nuts too and, although he kinda deserved it, was killing Eridan _really_ necessary? And drinking your friends' blood? Not cool! You two get...a grub to the head each."

Both Rose and Kanaya caught their grubs, both indigobloods, before they could hit them. The grubs in unison looked up at them and declared "Mama!"

"Awww..." Rose and Kanaya cooed, tearing up.

Eridan scoffed. "How revolting."

"I knoooooooow," Vriska drolled.

"Vriska and Eridan," the Mother Grub said next, "You two troublemakers have made a lot of horrible mischief. Eridan, you weren't there much, but you were nothing but a racist, xenophobic jerk, plus you killed Feferi when she was only trying to look out for you. And Vriska, you made Tavros a paraplegic, Terezi blind, and you also killed a lot of people. You both get...a grub to the head."

The one that hit Vriska was a burgundyblood, while Eridan's was an oliveblood. "OWWWWWWWW!" Vriska screeched.

"Serves you right," Aradia grumbled.

"Funny you should say that, Aradia. You killed Vriska when you were a robot," the Mother Grub said, reading from the will. "And you just wouldn't stay dead. So you will get...a grub to the head."

"I don't appreciate your rhymes, author." Aradia got hit in the face with a tealblood. "Ow," she said dully.

"And one more for Vriska and Eridan." Bronzeblood for Vriska, another oliveblood for Eridan.

"This is [f word]ing stupid," Karkat snapped. "Why the [f word] do we have to sit around and let this bull[s word] author face-pap us with our own children? It's like whatever [f word]ing sentimentality he had threw up in a hole and died like Sollux."

"Hey!"

"Bite me!"

"Karkat, you're getting a grub to the head just for that," the Mother Grub, breaking character, said. Karkat unamusedly got hit in the face with a burgundyblood grub. "Now, the will. Karkat, you were probably the most influential and popular character in the entire comic. Of course, you were also its biggest [a word]. You get...a grub to the head."

Karkat was hit in the head with... "A limeblood? I thought these [f word]ers were extinct!" he exclaimed in awe.

"They weren't, some could pass for olivebloods and hid themselves that way. And your blood color is a mutation on it. In fact, that's why the limebloods were originally culled," the Mother Grub explained. "Oh, and one more for Vriska and Eridan." Violetblood for her, indigoblood for him.

"This is pawsitively weird," Nepeta murmured.

"Next up, Nepeta. I'm sorry that I wasn't able to figure out much to do with you. And yet, you became one of the fandom's most beloved trolls. You will get...a grub to the head." Nepeta got hit in the head with a yellowblood that clung to her hat for dear life. "And one more for Vriska and Eridan." Jadeblood for her, purpleblood for him.

"This is nuts," Dave murmured. "Gather round kiddies, let's pelt you with giant bugs that will grow up into people I guess."

"Dave, you always thought yourself too cool for any hardship. Such hubris only became your downfall. You get...a mutant grub to the head." Dave was hit in the face with a mutant, orangeblooded grub. "And one more for Vriska and Eridan." She got hit with another bronzeblood, he with a burgundyblood. "And another for Aradia." She got hit with a limeblood.

"You're lucky you're cute," Aradia grumbled to her two grubs, who looked at her with big baby eyes.

"Equius, you've been so STRONG over these years. But alas, you've also been a bigot. You will get...a lowblood grub to the head." He got hit in the head with a yellowblood grub. "And one more for Vriska and Eridan." She a ceruleanblood, he a limeblood. "And another for Karkat." Karkat seethed but caught the fuschiablood before she could hit his face.

"Jade. You started this whole mess by bringing Sburb into your universe into the first place. And then you became a dog. You get...a grub to the head." Fittingly, Jade was hit with a jadeblooded grub. "And one more for Vriska and Eridan." She a mutant blackblood, he another burgundyblood. "And another for John." He got hit with a tealblood.

"This is injustice! How dare Hussie call for such treatment of my tealblooded brothers?!" Terezi snapped.

"Funny, Terezi, it's _your_ turn now. You've had a keen instinct for what's right and wrong. You persevered despite losing your sight, and made it to the end. You get...a nice gift basket."

"Oh! That's a nice break," she sighed.

"Full of grubs. To the head." Terezi got clobbered with a basket filled with three tealbloods, two jadebloods, an oliveblood, and a purpleblood. "And a basket each for Vriska and Eridan." Their baskets were twice the size of the one Terezi got hit with and each contained eight burgundybloods, seven ceruleanbloods, and two yellowbloods. "And one more for Nepeta." She got hit with a redblood and mewled in surprise.

"Sollux. You've gone through a lot. Life, death, half-death. And you tried to keep your world from being made lifeless. A valiant effort, if I do say so myself."

"Finally thomeone'th recognizing my talenth," Sollux beamed.

"Which is why you will get... _two_ grubs to the head."

"Not what I meant by that," he grumbled, catching the redblood and the mutant blueblood (as in, not the dark blue of indigos, but a bright, bluescreen blue).

"And another for Vriska and Eridan." She a violetblood, he a ceruleanblood. "Calliope. You put up a brave fight against your evil brother. Though in this timeline you lost and he became Lord English, you in yours succeeded and helped us win Sburb at last."

"Why thank you!" the cherub beamed.

"Which is why you get a grub to the head." She got hit with a limeblood. "And another for Equius." He got hit with a bronzeblood. "And don't think I forgot about Vriska and Eridan." She a violetblood, he an orangeblood.

"Whale, I suppose we're close to the end," Feferi mused.

"Yeah, why aren't the alpha kids here?" Rose asked.

"Because the fandom doesn't care about them as much, and the author doesn't know who they are that well," the Mother Grub replied. "Feferi. You tried to be the ruler the Condesce never could be. However, you trusted Eridan, which was a bad idea. I know you were just a kid, but seriously, you could smell his bigotry for miles. You will therefore get...a grub to the head."

Feferi was hit with an oliveblood. "And another for Vriska and Eridan." She a fuschiablood, he a yellowblood. "And another for Karkat." He was hit with another blueblood.

"Tavros. You've been a good boy. Which is why you get...a free coupon to the best lab-grown clones of your legs and spine so you can walk again!"

"I, uh, wow, thanks," Tavros blushed.

"And a grub to the head." He was hit with a jadeblood. "And another for Vriska and Eridan." She a violetblood, he a blackblood.

"Aren't you OUT of grubs yet?!" Eridan groaned.

"Never." All eyes turned to Gamzee.

"Aw [h word] nah," Gamzee groaned.

"Gamzee. You went ballistic."

"I know what's mother[f word]in' comin', and it ain't Faygo."

"Your natural psychosis was only compounded by your consumption of and addiction to sopor slime."

"What was the deal with that stuff? It looked like limeblood, well, blood," John asked.

"Limebloods could calm anyone and fought off the nightmares all trolls have. With them extinct, the Condesce engineered the sopor slime to mimic their powers. Now, Gamzee, this withdrawal made you crazy, and you created Lord English, too. You get..."

"Coverin' my mother[f word]in' head, coverin' my mother[f word]in' head!" Gamzee struggled to put the hard hat over his horns.

"A grub to the bulge."

"Huh?" An limeblood grub rammed hornsfirst into his crotch. He crumpled to the ground and honked in pain.

"Now that's just mean!" Jade snapped.

"The author willed it. Everyone on Earth gets his love and prayers...

"And grubs to the heads."

As a rainbow of grubs rained down on Earth, everyone looked on in fear.

"Hey, don't worry, grubs have a high mortality rate even without culling," Terezi assured them.

"I hope you're right," Rose grimaced, lightly bouncing her newly adopted child.


End file.
